They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
