Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
