Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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