That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
