My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
