I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
