Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
