So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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