He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
