Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
