I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
