cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
