I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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