so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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