I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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