she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
