I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
