Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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