we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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