The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
