Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
