Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
