but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
