Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
