she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
