Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
