Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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