My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
