There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
