he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
