I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
