Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
