I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
