i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The best revenge is premature balding
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
