i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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