My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
