God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You can't just leave with hair like that
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
