Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
