this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
