I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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