Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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