Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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