I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
