How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
