Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
