I accidentally burped into my bong.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
