alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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