you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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