Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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