Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
