i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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