does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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