So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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